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Yesterday I Didn’t Recognise Myself

Yesterday was a tough day.

Emma is now two years old and woke around 9 times in the night.

Nine times




Just wailing because it’s 4am and she thinks it’s time to get up

I’ve realised that over the past year, that sluggish feeling of waking up to another night’s broken sleep has become the norm. Those feelings of hope that she might sleep through are long gone and what is left is not pretty. It’s made my positive nature completely disappear. It’s made me near unrecognisable and a person that I don’t like at all. I always promised myself that no matter how hard it got, it wouldn’t become a competition between my other half and I as to who is doing the most…not every time, but sometimes, that’s exactly where we are.

I hate that some days feel relentless, when I know these days with Emma will not last forever. I kick myself numerous times a day when she says something sweet and adorable because moments before I had sighed to myself when she asked to do another puzzle with me. Some days feel like Groundhog Day and I can’t escape this feeling of ‘this is it’. This morning I asked Emma if she’s okay and she said “yes mummy, always”, which made me want to cry a little. She’s okay, it’s just me who isn’t.

But yesterday I saw my anger. I saw that I can uncontrollably become someone I don’t recognise and it scared me. I take things out on those around me, I know now I should have just said something, anything, but instead I get irritated and annoyed at everything. I need to delegate but I find that almost impossible. From the moment Emma wakes up, my mind goes into over-drive with changing her nappy, brushing her teeth, finding her clothes to wear (locate the sparkly tops for the win), try to find socks that aren’t odd ones, feed her, play with her, try again to feed her because she said no the first time round.

This is the first time I’ve admitted to myself that I feel like this because I actually have the most supportive partner. He’s there for me always and would do anything to help. I feel bad even admitting it and am not ashamed to say that over the past day, I’ve questioned whether there might be something wrong with me. Why do I feel so overwhelmed if I actually do have the help? Or is it just that sleep deprivation over this period of time takes its toll and is slowly making me go crazy?

I know that people will tell me that it will get easier and not to be too hard on myself. That’s probably what I would tell a friend if she was sat here saying the same things to me. I suppose what I’ve realised is that even when the newborn haze has disappeared ever so slightly and you’ve got a delightful toddler who sadly doesn’t seem too keen on napping anymore, it will be a bit of a struggle at times. There will be days when it just seems so much tougher than the last.

Yesterday I didn’t recognise myself but today is a new and better day.


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I’d love your vote in the Brilliance in Blogging 2017 awards in the FRESH VOICE category.

If you enjoy reading my blog, you can vote here – it only takes 5 minutes, thank you! http://www.britmums.com/nominate-for-the-bibs2017/


  1. May 30, 2017 / 1:43 pm

    I love how honest you are. It can be very tough somedays. You have your good days and your bad days. But I guess you just do your best is quite good enough I think. Big hugs. xx #TriumphantTales

  2. May 30, 2017 / 8:59 pm

    Such a honest post. I’m not going to tell you that it gets easier because that’s not what you want to hear. What I will say is that oldest didn’t sleep through until she was gone three years old. She still doesn’t need much sleep at 7 years old. Some days it drives me insane. The fact that she doesn’t fall asleep until 10pm but is up bright and breezy by 6am. However, she does now sleep through the night and there was one time where I never thought that would be possible. Hang on in there. One day you will look back and suddenly realise that hard slog is a teeny weeny bit easier and that you are still here, still smiling.

    • May 30, 2017 / 10:36 pm

      Aw thank you so much – it is really comforting to hear from someone who has been through it already. It will pass I’m sure and become easier in its own way…thank you for commenting lovely x

  3. May 30, 2017 / 10:15 pm

    I could have written this myself. I’m in a constant struggle at the minute of wanting to be better but not recognising the monster I am. I’m angry. I shout and I’ve completely lost my shit. I know I shouldn’t and actually what’s worse is the feeling of what other people will think rather than what I’m doing to myself. What has helped me is to read up on supernanny bedtime techniques. Georgia is testing us by not wanting bedtime so I’m being really strict and not talking to her after 3rd time. So tough. Hang in there , I’m by your side x

    • May 30, 2017 / 10:35 pm

      Thank you so much lovely – it’s so testing at the moment but so great to know I’m not alone. Wasn’t it me who said that Georgia and Emma would get along?! I’m going to read up on supernanny as I haven’t so far xx

  4. May 30, 2017 / 10:34 pm

    Thanks for sharing such an honest post. I think sometimes we just have those days where everything annoys us, but the next day is always better. #triumphanttales

    • May 30, 2017 / 10:35 pm

      Absolutely, tomorrow is always a better day 🙂 xx

  5. May 31, 2017 / 10:24 am

    Sleep deprivation is just awful, it definitely changes who you are as a person. I was completely unrecognisable when in the middle of sleepless nights, just know that it gets better xx #fortheloveogBLOG

  6. May 31, 2017 / 5:40 pm

    Absolutely, 100% love this! You made me cry as I feel this too. If ever you need to vent, you knkw where I am xxx

  7. May 31, 2017 / 6:26 pm

    Thank you for your honesty – my son is 10 months and has never slept more than 4 hours a row (and even that is rare and only when co-sleeping!) Some days I am so tired I don’t know how I will face the day, and any belief that he will magically sleep has all but disappeared. It can be so tough, especially when it feels like everyone has their shit together and have ‘got through’ the various ‘regressions’. Today is a new day, and you’ve made it through 100% of tough days so far – which is pretty good going 🙂 #TriumphantTales

  8. May 31, 2017 / 6:52 pm

    9 times?! I’m so tired just hearing that! #fortheloveofBLOG

  9. May 31, 2017 / 7:56 pm

    #triumphanttales yes to sleep for the win. I’m extremely blessed with a sleeper but i love your honest and translucent art of writing. Beautiful x

  10. Rachael
    June 1, 2017 / 9:19 am

    So many people must feel the same, I for one can relate to everything and that’s without the sleep problem. Could I suggest the Gina Ford contented babies book, I followed it from day one and my son now 7 sleeps from 8pm – 7am 99.9% of the time, he never gets out of bed once in bed either and has only wet the bed once! What she says about routine etc really makes sense and it could help you immeasurably.

    My heart used to sink at playing dinosaurs, again! Tell me a story, again! Watch Thomas the tank engine, again! But it does get easier, the terrible two’s are particularly difficult. I miss playing dinosaurs now.

    Sure Start centres are a great way to spend time with adults to relieve the baby brain, might help with your irritatability, which could actually be your hormones too? I suffer the same way and find fish oil tablets help and Angus Castus tincture.

    Good luck, remember it’s not just you x

  11. June 1, 2017 / 12:38 pm

    To be honest, I get overwhelmed even when I’ve had enough sleep and had help! Its just a normal parenting feeling. We’re always going to question our behaviours towwards our children and its fine to be stressed and angry. Its better than being silent towards our children and partners as then theres really a worry. If ypu’re expressing your emotions then everyone around you will know how you are feeling and can be supportive. Dont be too hard on yourself. I watch your instastories religiously (when I have time) and you look to be doing a fab job as a Mum. Your daughter is adorable and obviously loves you very much. #TriumphantTales

    • June 1, 2017 / 12:48 pm

      Aww thank you, that is the sweetest comment – thank you for watching my InstaStories too! It’s really reassuring that I’m not alone feeling this way xx

  12. June 1, 2017 / 7:39 pm

    thank you for your honesty! This is why I love the blogging community. Making me feel less like I’m being awful on those days that aren’t always 100%. Some days I feel awful for not loving it then guilty when my little girl is loving and so amazing with me. We just have to remind ourselves and each other all the time that we are doing great jobs! Emma is adorable! Xxx #fortheloveofBLOG

  13. June 1, 2017 / 10:24 pm

    Parenting is the toughest job there is. it is non-stop and when a child doesnt sleep, there is no amount of coffee that can make it ok. You have the right attitude though and just keep on with that spirit and you’ll come out the otherside. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.. its called university ahahahahaha.
    Thank you for sharing this with us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back next week lovely x

  14. June 2, 2017 / 6:36 am

    Such an honest post! I can totally relate this morning i was up almost all night with my little boy who has started to yave night terrors. Hes 3 1/2 and we are having a lot of sleepless nights i am a zombie most days. Keep going mumma-one day we are going to be getting lie ins again! #blogcrush

  15. June 2, 2017 / 7:52 am

    It’s a great post. Hang in there. I’d probably mention it next time you see a doctor, just to feel better that it’s all normal (it is). #FortheloveofBlog

  16. talkingmums1
    June 2, 2017 / 8:40 am

    I can completely relate to you. I think sleep deprivation has so much to answer for it does make you irrational and tempers flare. So many days I will feel overwhelmed by everything even simple things become big things. I’ve sat thinking of myself as a really bad mum because I can’t cope and then it just takes a night of 1 get up instead of 3 to feel a bit better about everything. I’m not good at accepting help either. Just try to remember that for all the hard days there are brilliant days too where they just make you smile x

  17. June 2, 2017 / 5:23 pm

    it does get easier or we’d all be walking around in a daze, the last few years of parenting are then spent waiting up all night for the kids to come home

  18. June 2, 2017 / 8:40 pm

    It will get easier – but that doesnt help right now! I just tell myself the kids wont remember the hard days, so dont dwell on it and take each day as it comes!

  19. June 3, 2017 / 9:04 pm

    Ah what to say. Parenting is so hard isn’t it? You’re human, you’re not a robot – annoyingly, perhaps! And sleep deprivation is a form of torture… of course you’re not the same person as you were before. You will be again one day though! Little P doesn’t nap in the day at 13 months and gets up at 5am, unhappily but just won’t go back. She’s SO different to her brother. IT’s most annoying!! Come on Emma, give your Mummy a break! Lots of love xx #BlogCrush

  20. June 4, 2017 / 1:29 pm

    Sleep deprivation is very tough on the body and mind, and no matter how helpful anyone partner is, you are still absent of that sleep in your bank. It’s hard and I applaud your honesty and authenticity in this post. It provides deeper insight for me into my Mrs., on those days where I just can’t possibly do enough. I get it. We have been sleep deprived for almost a decade now. 🙁 Hang tough Bridie, and enjoy the moments you can, and honor your body and mind when you can’t. <3 #fortheloveofblog

  21. Lucy At Home
    June 5, 2017 / 6:27 pm

    Oh I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling. Sleep deprivation is HARD! It’s relentless and exhausting. It’s no wonder that you don’t feel your usual happy self, and that you’re not as patient. I think that is a totally normal result of sleep deprivation so try not to be too hard on yourself. But I also know that I beat myself up for being like this too, so I totally understand why you’re upset about it. Keep going, mama – you’re doing a great job

    Also, your honesty in this post is really resonating with people, and someone loved it so much, they added it to the #blogcrush linky. Congratulations! Feel free to grab your “featured” badge. #blogcrush

  22. June 6, 2017 / 6:35 pm

    Oh Hun such an honest post and thank you for writing it. I hope you feel better for it. I know that I would feel exactly the same, and I think as Mums we take it all on ourselves and try to do everything. Can you delegate? At least maybe half the night so that you can get a solid rest? I’m really hoping that this improves for you soon. Thanks for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

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