I was lucky to be offered a job without having to scour job advertisements and revamp my CV beforehand. It was handed to me, and all I needed to do was decide if I wanted to say yes.
Negotiating a part time role and being really clear about what I can do now that I am a mum. Having to be prescriptive about hours, is something that is totally alien to me. This was different.
Talking to my parents about my dilemma and not being able to take Emma to nursery for 2 of the 3 working days, and them jumping to my aid with absolutely no questions.
Actually putting our master plan into action, going to work and being a professional again – having to buy a handbag and cardigan en route as I had no need for them before.
Being thrown in the deep end, to a day jam-packed with meetings; quickly learning about the politics of the team and making decisions as I see them.
Easy (to my surprise)
Running home to see Emma as soon as the clock says 18:00 – racing up escalators and weaving in and out of crowds of commuters, to catch that train. Hearing my heart beat faster than ever as I hope and pray the train leaves the station on time.
In the past few weeks, my emotions have be stretched to the max as I claw back that little part of me that I’ve been missing over the past year and a half. Sometimes it felt second nature to me, and a relief to be back doing the job I love. But then those feelings of guilt creep in. In those moments, I feel selfish for wanting this all of a sudden. It’s a constant see-saw of it being easy, then so hard…
But you put my mind at rest that Emma is okay and she will be okay. You take care of her when I am not there and reassure me that it is normal for her to scream when I leave her. You tell me that in 10 minutes, she is fine again and runs off playing with the other children. You remind me that she’s doing great, and our fussy eater is now starting to enjoy eating.
So, to the team at my daughter’s nursery: thank you for being there for her, for looking after her like she is your own. Thank you for caring how she is doing when I drop her off, and taking the time to let me know how she has been when I pick her up. I know you have other toddlers to care for and it’s constantly busy, but this means the world to me. It makes me feel like I was there.
Thank you for taking pictures of her for me to see and teaching her a whole world of new things. I see her painting and getting stuck in with messy play, with a proud smile on her face that she’s cracking something brand new. I know she has been taking it all in as she is now gabbling away and it feels like those first few words are right round the corner. I can see her growing up and becoming a little girl before my very eyes and she’s in the best possible hands.
This new change feels totally new to me, it makes me doubt whether I am doing enough as her mum. It makes me feel selfish and guilty at times, that I’m not there. After months of watching Emma’s every move, it feels like I should be there. But you made it so easy, so straightforward. I can do my job because you are doing your job so well. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for making it all possible.