Today I lost my patience. For a moment, I just snapped and let my emotions run wild. It had been one hell of a day, so I needed to but the worst part was it was directed at my 16 month old girl. As I raised my voice to make myself feel better, I knew that she was now upset. I had transferred my anger and frustration onto her, for something that wasn’t even her fault, and I now felt like the worst mother in the world.
I want to say that I had a million and one things to do that day and that some disaster had happened mid-way to cause me to feel like this. I want to say that I spent all day rushing around, only for Emma to have a poonami at the worst moment. But the truth is, there is no explanation as to why I was in such a crappy mood all day. I felt tired, lethargic and irritated by everything around me for some reason. My other half was trying to help with the housework and tidying, but I saw that as an indication that I’m not doing enough. Some days the only thing to do is make it to bedtime and sleep it off, and never has this been truer today.
I’ve known from Day one how sensitive Emma is to my feelings and reactions. Even if I sneeze loudly, she looks at me with a worried look on her face. At one week old, we were watching Magic music channel together (guilty pleasure!), and as a soppy song came on, I cried a little, I blame the baby blues! But as I did, she looked up at me….I was shocked that a 1 week old baby could sense that her mummy was upset. So I know deep down that I need to be patient and positive if I can. I know that she responds better that way anyway and I try my hardest, I really do.
Months ago, someone told me that Happy Mummy = Happy Baby and I see every day how true this is. I see how my mood affects the entire household and for that reason, it’s better all round when I’m sunnier and smiling. But some days I have to let my guard down. Some days I have to be me and just have a moment to let out the frustration when things just aren’t going as I’d hoped. Or when I have a day when I’d prefer to be sitting on the couch watching Netflix. And that was today for me.
As I write this, I realise that we all have bad days. We all have those moments where we just need a moment with the bathroom locked to compose ourselves. And maybe it’s ok to allow myself a few of those moments when I really need them, to let Happy Mummy return once again. So today was a bad day. Tomorrow might be better. And for now, I’ll leave it just as it is, feel bad a little and keep on trucking.