I have always prided myself on being a good friend, a good listener, but since having a baby all that has changed. I have been sucked into this world of which nappies and wipes are best, should we breastfeed or bottle feed, how on earth to begin the mammoth task that is weaning? I’m totally consumed with keeping my little girl alive and kicking that I’ve lost who I used to be.
I miss that girl – the carefree me that would spontaneously go for drinks, loved the craziness of the N155 night bus and made sure she made it home before Chicken Cottage shut. I miss my friends, and I know they miss me too. So an apology to those friends I have loved for most of my life, who are always with me through thick and thin: I promise your good friend will be back soon.
- I’m sorry when we talk, my eyes are wandering and my mind is thinking about what I am going to give Emma for dinner. I wish I could focus and be in the moment but all I want is for her to be happy and not have a tantrum in Costa, which she so loves to do.
- I’m sorry when she does have a tantrum, our coffee is cut short and we have to leave almost immediately. You never judge me for this and always reassure me that I’m doing the best job in the world, though it doesn’t feel like it at the time.
- I’m sorry it’s always you coming to me at the moment. I long for the days when I can come up to London and we can have some time together like old times. You always say how much you love the seaside and want to come, but I know it must seem like it’s all one sided.
- I’m sorry I often moan about how little sleep I am getting – it’s one of the only thing consuming my mind and I love how understanding you always are. My thoughts are so often curiosity as to what I could achieve if I had just 3 or 4 hours unbroken sleep…
- I’m sorry we don’t talk much about your lives and I’m not as involved in the day to day news. What I’ve never told you is how hearing your news makes me feel like an adult again. It takes me away from the poo, wee and weaning talk, and back to the person I used to be and I love that.
- I’m sorry I’m not the friend I used to be, I know I’m not present enough. But I promise that will change soon – it’s just now I’m so busy and my focus has to be here.
And thank you – for listening to my tears in the first few months, for making me laugh at 3am at the frustration of being hurled out of my bed and for being there at my little girl’s birthday, by my side. All of it means the world to me and I love you very much.