For a while I’ve been thinking of writing again, but more as a diary of how I’m feeling and how things are at the moment. I suppose, previously my blog intended to be just something ‘for me’ but inevitably I knew people would be reading it and it made me write in a certain way.
I am 35, a Production Manager in TV and we still live in Brighton. At the moment, I am working for an independent company in South London and commuting from Brighton to London 4 days a week. I’m tired. Of not being there for any of the drop offs, of the angry commuters, of relying on trains and always having in the back of my mind that I might be late and Emma might be asleep by the time I get home. But generally, work makes me happy – I’ve always loved my job and even if it isn’t perfect (I mean, we all have those niggles with management in their jobs), it’s as close as I’ve come to a good job in TV.
I often have these feelings of insecurity that I can’t shake. It’s funny as a mother to a little girl, as I’ve spent a lifetime caring what people think, worrying about comments made and whether they are judgemental or not. That’s my own demons and I have to manage that myself – but for Emma, I just so wish she doesn’t have to deal with that. I sometimes pray that she’ll be assured and confident, that she’ll see the gorgeous girl I see when I look at her. For me though, currently I struggle with the feeling that other mums from nursery don’t really like me very much – what they think of Emma as she can be unbelievably feisty. It’s a strange time entering the ‘start of school’ era, I’ve found already that mums you felt you got on with, suddenly have no time for you because the kids aren’t in the same class. Utterly cut-throat and I still can’t make sense of it, if I’m honest. I suppose this is just the beginning of the school gates though…
Apart from the inveitable work-life juggle, our year has been half full of joyousness as we got engaged earlier in the year, followed by a truly sad loss as my Nanny (Grandma) passed away recently. I remember my other half saying this in previous years that when something so lovely happens, it’s sometimes followed by the polar opposite. I’m not great at publicly saying how I feel about losing someone so special in my life, so I can only say it completely devastated me.
We also went on holiday in Whitby…one of those places I’ve always wanted to go. It was gorgeous and sunny & so lovely to be with my brother, sister in law and her parents, plus see three of the four cousins playing so nicely together. It was sort of like the perfect tonic – we had amazing fish and chips, built sandcastles and relaxed more than I’ve ever done before.
I’m sure there’s much more to it than that, but this is me for now…I suppose I’m thinking this space will be somewhere for me to record our lives a bit more, and above all it’s nice to be writing again.