Stepping into the unknown & losing myself

I’ve written before about my elective caesarian section and today I am thinking of it more than ever. This time last year, we nervously checked into a hotel preparing for what was ahead. I couldn’t help but smile at the irony at the time, we had booked a hotel to relax a bit as we knew that what was ahead of us was sleepless nights…and yet relaxing was impossible. We were suddenly stepping into the unknown together. To be honest I don’t think it even dawned on me how this was a defining moment in our story, starting our own family.


When Emma was 5 weeks old, I had a chance cup of tea alone with my sister-in-law and she asked the best questions I have been asked since the birth.

What’s it like now not working? Was it strange changing the nappy for the first time? Do you know what to do straight away?

As she asked me these questions, genuinely wanting to know, I realised how rare this was. That for 5 weeks everyone had been asking the same things: Have you recovered yet? How’s her sleep? Above all, I realised that these ponderings hadn’t even entered my mind. And as I took a deep breath and we had a chat about it, I sighed with relief that someone actually cared how I was feeling. Someone actually acknowledged me before telling me how cute and beautiful my baby was.

The thing is, I had completely lost myself to looking after Emma without another thought in the world. It’s like I had put the pre-baby me in a little box – the one who loves to eat out, who always has to have fresh lime with her vodka and tonic, who loves to read a good book and chat for hours with friends on the phone. Just as I had automatically and without question said goodbye to those things, I felt like everyone else did too. I was now Mum. Until this day, my beautiful sister-in-law who is always thoughful and kind, will never know what she did for me. On this day I was Bridget again.

A year on and little parts of me are creeping back in to say hello, but the truth is I’ll never be quite the same again. Becoming a mum has changed me – empowered me and made me more confident in so many ways. It feels like I was always Emma’s Mum. And as I watch our little girl smile from ear to ear with the excitement, I can’t help but take a moment to acknowledge how far we’ve come. For the fractious moments, the tears and so many worries:  whether her love for Bing and CBeebies in general is creating a TV addict, or if she’s sleeping enough, eating enough, why she doesn’t seem to be able to drink from a sippy cup – this smile makes it 100% worth it.





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  1. April 28, 2016 / 1:38 pm

    Oh she is just absolutely adorable! This is a really lovely post, being a Mum changes you forever, it’s impossible to understand that until it happens isn’t it? #stayclassy

    • May 4, 2016 / 12:38 pm

      Thank you lovely – aw it’s a change that you just can’t describe until you become a Mum. Thanks for commenting x

  2. April 29, 2016 / 3:57 am

    Lovely post! As a new mum, it made me think. Becoming a mum is so overwhelming that maybe we don’t stop enough and appreciate just how lucky we are. Perfect post for me to read after a tough mummy day, thanks! #stayclassy

    • May 4, 2016 / 12:18 pm

      Thank you so much – it’s easy to just keep going and to never think about how lucky we are. Your comment has made my day, thank you x

  3. April 29, 2016 / 11:22 am

    What a beauty. I love the sweet honesty of this post, my son is 5 now and I think I only just feel like me again, a me that has changed and grown. People keep asking when will I have another and I am reluctant to say goodbye to myself again! #stayclassy

    • May 4, 2016 / 12:15 pm

      Thank you very much – I think it would be hard for me to say bye to myself again too…thanks very much for commenting x

  4. May 1, 2016 / 7:59 pm

    Aw this post made me tear up a little bit, so sweet! Her smile is gorgeous!! : ) It’s so nice to read your post and completely understand what you are saying…how hard it was but how happy you are now. Thanks so much for sharing with #StayClassy!
    The Mum Project recently posted…Updated CV: CEM, Chief Executive Mum at Household Inc.My Profile

    • May 4, 2016 / 12:02 pm

      Thank you so much – it’s such a huge change this motherhood thing! Thanks for hosting xx

  5. August 6, 2016 / 7:49 pm

    To me this post goes hand in hand with your “things not to say to a new mum” one. It’s all about what you can’t and can’t do, what your baby can and can’t do, when what you actually need is for someone to chat to you about X Factor or your mutual friend Jenny and her dodgy boyfriend or just SOMETHING that isn’t related to you now being a mum and sod all else. You’ll get the fresh lime back in your vodka and you’ll read and eat out lots again, those parts haven’t gone, they’re just tucked away slightly…they’ll come out again little by little and Emma will get to know the Bridget that is external to her Mummy, too. #KCACOLS #Tribe

  6. August 6, 2016 / 11:08 pm

    She is such a cutie! You are right when you say that becoming a mum totally changes you. Whatever we do, we are never 100% prepared! the same for the birth really. It’s weird but I have a very blurry memory of the first few weeks with Baba now… Would have to watch some videos tomorrow to reminisce. #KCACOLS
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  7. August 6, 2016 / 11:15 pm

    I think that’s lovely that she asked about you first. So easy to disappear, so valuable to remember not to. #KCACOLS

  8. August 6, 2016 / 11:16 pm

    I love how honest this post is, and I know exactly what you mean. It was quite a while after having Clem that someone finally asked about me, and not just her. I felt so happy, and probably talked a million miles an hour. Being a mum does change but over time pre Emma Bridget will come back. You can go out for meals, drink G&T’s with lime, and start being you again.x #KCACOLS
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  9. August 6, 2016 / 11:27 pm

    Being a mum really does change everything. #KCACOLS

  10. August 6, 2016 / 11:31 pm

    How lovely to read this post as one of my dearest pals had a c-section on Friday. It’s really great to hear how becoming a mum has made you more confident (or maybe helped to bring out the confidence that was already there?? 😉 Sometimes as mums we can also feel the opposite and self-doubt can easily kick in! Lovely hanging out again, this time at #KCACOLS xSunita
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  11. August 7, 2016 / 12:19 am

    She is absolutely gorgeous! This was a lovely post! #KCACOLS

  12. August 7, 2016 / 1:10 am

    I love this post, and oh my word look at that smile! Any way you are so right, as parents we lose part of ourselves and some will slowly come back to say hello. Others change completely. What was so important takes a back seat to the real stuff. #KCACOLS
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  13. August 7, 2016 / 2:31 am

    What a lovely post. No one can prepare you for how life changing becoming a parent is, in every way possible. #kcacols

  14. August 7, 2016 / 4:50 am

    What a sweetie! I think you’re right, the initial completely sleep-free demand of motherhood hit like a train and it’s difficult to even think of yourself when you have this tiny human to care for. Little M is almost 11 weeks now and I feel like I’m just starting to find myself again (mainly through cake!). #KCACOLS
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  15. August 7, 2016 / 7:20 am

    I can completely relate to you in this post. A year on and I’m still struggling to be me, not that I want to go back to how I was. I love being a mum but I need Sara to be allowed to breath a bit!! #kcacols

  16. August 7, 2016 / 8:19 am

    Lovely post Bridget and very honest. It is so easy for people to forget about you – even yourself if you’re not careful. Glad you’re starting to get little bits of yourself back. Being a mum is a very very important job but looking after yourself is too #KCACOLS
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  17. August 7, 2016 / 8:48 am

    I don’t think anyone realises how much having a child changes you until it actually happens. You are so right that after the birth everyone always asks the same questions,kts nice when someone asks something a bit different and you can have a proper chat. Emma has a beautiful smile xx #KCACOLS
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  18. August 7, 2016 / 10:32 am

    It is a strange feeling in the first few weeks after the birth. You feel like “wow, I created a human being.” But you also feel a little lost and unsure who you are. To be honest I still have days like that now, where I struggle to remember who I am, apart from Mummy. It’s a learning process I think. Also don’t worry about the sippy cup, Youngest hated them and went straight to a special drinking cup in the end. 🙂 #KCACOLS
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  19. August 7, 2016 / 11:12 am

    This was so beautifully written and the photos are just gorgeous, it made me tear up a little. I think we all lose ourselves for a while, and it can take months, years, even forever to find your way back, but they are worth it aren’t they? My blog was a way to claw back a little more of myself, just ME, and it helps me to have something that is just mine. #KCACOLS
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  20. August 7, 2016 / 1:04 pm

    Being a mum does change you, but it gives you so much more. The love between mother and baby will make every little change worth it x

  21. August 7, 2016 / 1:45 pm

    Hi Bridget, I loved reading your post, after having a baby we’re truly never the same again, and I can relate when you said the worry never end my almost 10 months old baby loves his cartoons and I’m always panicking that I created an tv addict too.
    Great post #KCACOLS

  22. August 7, 2016 / 2:35 pm

    It’s funny how we automatically give up being us without a second thought. It was good that you had your sister in law to show that consideration. Most people, understandably I suppose, focus on the new little person. #kcacols

  23. August 7, 2016 / 3:40 pm

    I love this post and can totally relate. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to wear things I want rather than what’s easy to feed Edith from. I’m more than happy to make these sacrifices but you do feel a little lost in motherhood sometimes. Our girls are not far apart in age. I also have a TV addict on my hands. Twirlywoos is her life right now haha!

  24. August 7, 2016 / 3:41 pm

    A lovely and honest post, Bridie. It does take a while to rediscover yourself after having a baby and without meaning to, folks do sometimes become focussed on the baby, rather than the mum. But, you are right, look at what you have! How blessed you are. She’s gorgeous. I think you should keep her 😉 #KCACOLS

  25. August 7, 2016 / 3:42 pm

    Kids definitely take over your life and it can be a while before you feel like anything other than a mum. And then sometimes you realise it’s part of who you maybe always have been just waiting to be used? #KCACOLS
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  26. August 7, 2016 / 4:03 pm

    I have to admit, you do become ‘someone’s mum’ quite a lot after having kids- your actual name doesn’t seem important anymore! We are all suckers for our baby’s grin, a smile from them seems to cancel out the sleepless night and constant screaming for no apparent reason! Xx #KCACOLS
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  27. August 7, 2016 / 6:24 pm

    Congratulations, she is so beautiful.
    Amanda. #kcacols

  28. August 7, 2016 / 8:14 pm

    Aw she’s such a cutie 🙂 I think all Mum’s can totally relate to this post…it’s like we’re so wrapped up in being someone’s Mum that we forget we actually have our own identity and then we do remember it’s almost like we’ve forgotten who we were before! That’s how I felt anyway. I also found that my friends who didn’t have kids yet treated me like I was a completely different person, as if the interests I had before were suddenly not applicable any more…great post!

  29. August 7, 2016 / 9:02 pm

    A lovely post! It’s so true what you say about being asked the same questions. It is lovely your sister-in-law asked after you and how you were really feeling. As you say, being a Mummy does change you forever. Beautiful photos! Thank you for hosting. X #KCACOLS
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  30. August 7, 2016 / 10:00 pm

    Ahhh so lovely. I totally relate, I had a similar experience with a friend asking those kinds of questions and it does kind of jolt you out of that baby bubble and make you realise that YOU are still there – I was sure to remember to do the same thing when that friend had her own baby last year!
    I don’t think anything quite prepares us for how much of ourselves we lose when we become parents – and I wonder how much of it is still there waiting when the kids are grown and gone. #KCACOLS

  31. August 7, 2016 / 10:24 pm

    Lovely post! And so true! You can’t prepare for being a parent, and you can’t go back once you are one. And I wouldn’t want to! Its nice to have someone acknowledge you for being you and not just for being a mum sometimes, but ultimately mum is the main title now! #KCACOLS

  32. August 7, 2016 / 10:25 pm

    What a great post and ican totally agree with you! I don’t think anyone has ever asked how I’m doing and I’m on baby number 3 #KCACOLS

  33. August 7, 2016 / 10:54 pm

    I think you know you have really become a parent when you look back and recognise how much your life has changed – and realise that you’re okay with that. As much as our kids grow up in these early years, I think we as parents do too. I look back now, over 8 years since I became a dad for the first time, and I barely recognise the person I used to be. And that’s (mostly) a good thing (I wouldn’t mind having less grey hair though!) #KCACOLS

  34. August 8, 2016 / 11:11 am

    Such a lovely post, your sister in law is very thoughtful! #KCACOLS

  35. August 8, 2016 / 11:59 am

    I totally agree that it makes you more confident. I feel so much more at ease with who I am since having my daughter but I did struggle with losing my old life when she was first born. Everything changes so immediately that it took me a while to catch up! #KCACOLS

  36. August 8, 2016 / 12:42 pm

    Love this – it made me a bit emotional! There is definitely a huge change in you when you become a mum – it’s not something I’d ever change, but there is definitely a part of yourself that you leave behind. It took me a long time to come to that realisation though – and even longer to realise that I’m actually fine with it and wouldn’t change it for the world! It sounds like you have a lovely thoughtful sister in law! #KCACOLS
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  37. August 8, 2016 / 1:33 pm

    Yes a part of us is lost once we become a parent, i like the way you describe it as being put in a box. I was so overwhelmed when i and Aspen, actually both Steve and I were. She was instantly the love of my life, but she wasn’t an easy baby at all. It took so much adjusting and for a long time I felt isolated and lost, yet at the same time so blessed and happy. When i celebrated with friends for my 40th recently I felt a glimpse of that young crazy carefree me, it was fun for a weekend to just be me, but i missed my kids and hubby so much too. Being carefree for a night is nice, but I wouldn’t change being mum for anything! #Kcacols

  38. August 8, 2016 / 8:44 pm

    Lovely post and so very true. It’s a moment that changes everything, but those parts of yourself come back slowly – for all that they are both the same and fundamentally changed forever! #KCACOLS

  39. August 8, 2016 / 8:47 pm

    Lovely post and I agree with everything! I did not know what had hit me when Mia was born. No amount of planning and preparation could have told us what was about to happen! I struggled for about 18months after her birth but I’m so much better now shes just over 3. We are now in a good routine and I feel like I know what I’m doing! I also feel more like myself again and we go out as a couple so I still feel like ‘Becca’ and not ‘mummy’ all the time! 🙂

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  40. August 8, 2016 / 9:07 pm

    Awe how cute is your daughter! Being a mum has changed me, i am no longer the Rachel i was before. I am still me but with more awareness and responsibility now and forever! #KCACOLS
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  41. August 8, 2016 / 10:01 pm

    Ah, what a lovely post and Emma is gorgeous. You are right though, I feel that I put my pre-motherhood self into a little box and locked it away. I have gradually got little bits of my pre-motherhood me back though if only for short periods at weekends when Cygnet is with his dad – we are separated, which means that I do get some time to myself. Thanks for your post. Loads of love Pen x #KCACOLS
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  42. August 8, 2016 / 11:09 pm

    Beautiful post Bridget. I think every parent can relate and understand what you mean. Parenthood reaches in inside of us and pulls out a part of our persona we never knew was there but was alays hidden. #KCACOLS

  43. August 9, 2016 / 3:03 am

    Must say I loved reading this. It’s so true that we as moms are quick to forget ourselves, and if we don’t take that extra time to sort out our own emotions it can take a toll. We do it without a thought, but it’s not easy that’s for sure! Thanks so much for sharing this.
    Tori @ The Mama Nurse

  44. August 9, 2016 / 5:54 am

    Awww! I’m tearing up just a bit. Your daughter is adorable!


  45. August 9, 2016 / 9:13 am

    What a great SIL you have. It’s all consuming having a baby and so easy to just fight or way through without reflecting. We are forever changed after becoming mum. Hopefully for the better as our children teach us so many valuable lessons each day.! #KCACOLS

  46. August 9, 2016 / 2:12 pm

    All these things are just as true about becoming a father. It’s hard sometimes to even remember a “time before”

  47. August 9, 2016 / 3:51 pm

    Oh Bridie she is soo cute! I know exactly what you mean though. Becoming a mum does certainly change you – but for the better! I think the best thing is to always try and find some time to yourself – even if for 10 minutes. Looking after littles can be all consuming and we always end up forgetting about ourselves but we need to look after ourselves properly in order to be the best mum we can be right? 😉 #KCACOLS
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  48. August 9, 2016 / 6:32 pm

    What a beautiful post. I know now I’m a mum it’s hard to remember what life was like before we had baby girl. Sh’e gorgeous xx
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  49. August 10, 2016 / 3:31 am

    She is so gorgeous! I know what you mean about losing yourself a little. I think most of us do this. It’s funny how people really do ask the same questions all the time. Mostly not really wanting to know how you are doing. Keep up the good work mama! #KCACOLS
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  50. August 10, 2016 / 9:30 pm

    Such a lovely celebration of your time as a mum. You are the same person, but different at the same time. Strange, isn’t it? Strange but wonderful. #KCACOLS

  51. August 10, 2016 / 9:39 pm

    Lovely post, reminds me of a video I watched a little while ago where they filmed new mums, and at the end asked them “and how are you?”, and they were all so surprised to be asked. I think we do all lose a bit of ourselves when we become mums, especially in those early days, all the focus is on the baby. I’m finding a new me now though, and that’s quite exciting! x #KCACOLS
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  52. August 10, 2016 / 9:43 pm

    She is a total cutie. Being a mum does change you forever and at first you don’t even notice, because you don’t even feel like you anymore, you are so consumed by your new baby. Iv noticed though as time goes on and they get a little older part of you does start to creep back in, not all admittedly but it refreshing when it does xx #KCACOLS
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  53. August 11, 2016 / 7:09 am

    It’s so true how it changes you, for the better. Hold on to some of the old you or you may miss it one day. #KCACOLS

  54. August 11, 2016 / 8:31 pm

    Oh she is lovely, you’ve expressed such beautiful emotions in your post.
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  55. August 11, 2016 / 8:33 pm

    I love this post. It’s so true (and she is beautiful!) x

  56. August 12, 2016 / 1:59 pm

    Lovely that your sister in law knew the right things to say. Motherhood does change and immerse you. If I’m honest, that doesn’t really bother me, but I can see why it does bother other people, and even that from a personal perspective it is probably healthier to be somewhat bothered by it, if any of that makes sense! #KCACOLS

  57. August 12, 2016 / 7:41 pm

    Yay for your SIL I don’t ever remember being bothered by people asking about Olivia but she was a premmie so it was very intense for us anyway and I think I was just glad she was ok. This is a beautiful post it’s so easy to forget who you are after having a baby isn’t it xx #kcacals
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  58. August 12, 2016 / 7:57 pm

    I love that you feel more confident now, I can relate to that… doubts still creep in, but we have to trust in what’s in front of us… happy, smiley children, so clearly we’re doing okay 🙂 Gorgeous girl! #KCACOLS

    Nadia – ScandiMummy x

  59. August 12, 2016 / 9:48 pm

    It’s so nice just to be acknowledged when you’ve just had a baby. People use to walk straight passed me to see my babies. Children do change you forever and for the better I say. Thank for sharing such a lovely post #KCACOLS

  60. August 12, 2016 / 10:13 pm

    A lovely post. Having not returned to work after having my second baby, I felt totally lost for the first year! Thank you for sharing #KCACOLS

  61. August 14, 2016 / 2:55 am

    Lovely post! I have an Emma, too, already over two years old which seems incredible that she’s grown up so fast, but at the same time I can’t remember what the point of our lives was before she came along! Having a baby changes your priorities and you often end up putting yourself last, but it also gives you a new purpose. You just have to remember to make some time for being yourself. #KCACOLS

  62. August 14, 2016 / 8:03 pm

    What a lovely post! I think we spend so much of the time worrying about all those things we forget to appreciate the amazing things like their smile, laugh, personality sometimes. This post just made me smile! #KCACOLS

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